As the end of 2020 is finally been and gone (and I mean gone for good), the time between now and the next functioning work day allows us to debate what we wanna get done in life.
What do you feel should be done this year? What seems like the best place to be? How do I better myself?
Unfortunately, these words aren't swarming around my head, but as every year, said by my brother. To reflect on who I was this year and who I should be next year. Face my past and present mistakes, to go forth into the future. Making sure that the life lessons I learn are of value to me.
While I do agree with his ideology, from years of hearing it, it feels overused.
For the new year, you'd plan what you want to accomplish, how to do it and in what order you'd start. You look back at yourself and think "When was I the laziest? What happened then? Was it justified?" To which the answers would be when you should've been busy, there was an inconvenience and you'd convince yourself you shouldn't have done that.
Now, another guilty thing to admit, but my will to do things ends up going down the more they're brought up. It goes as far as if someone (again, we'll use my brother as the example) keeps suggesting to watch a certain thing, or to read a certain book over and over, then I tend to just feel as if it's over-sold to me, taking away the mystery out of it. I've started getting into the reading list set. Not because they weren't suggested as much, but simply because I feel they would be interesting to me.
I truly do love my brother (though I can be annoyed at him at times), but when it comes to reflective advice, it always feels as if he's trying to talk to his younger self, rather than his sibling. You could understand if I were in the exact same shoes as him... but I'm not.
We've lived and experienced things separately. We have our own views on topics. Similar interests, but different genres. A course in life for English, but a change in how we wish to use it. You learn through experience and while he tries to say stuff in his best interest, it makes me feel as if I'm no longer an individual, but a robot.
However, I don't discard the information he gives. I simply recycle it for people who are in need of it more. And I do have a way to reflect on the year and how to face on the future.
Instead of thinking "What I should do", I evaluate "What can I do". I can dream a lot about what I'd want to do and what I should be doing, I like to think about first what I can do.
The thought process works like this:
Okay, so I can edit. It's not as great as others out there, so I can improve on that.
How do I improve? I have resources to try. I can experiment more with videos. I can ask Cameron if he'd let me experiment with his videos.
When should I do this? When there's a video that I feel I can test on. I can hone my normal skills in the meantime. Keep them up.
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I like to at least go into things that I want to learn semi in the dark. Being prepped for the unknown just takes the fun out of things... which might explain my view on wishing to make my own mistakes. I'll be reasonable and not do anything that's a downright no (drugs, murder, theft of the crown jewels, etc), but I do wish to have new memories good and bad.
Thinking about "Where should I be this time next year" always seems like a distance. I tend to think of what I've planned to do already, then make sure to be ready for any unexpected trips. I did recently took one before the major lockdown with Jess to visit Nelly (totally worth it). This was very unexpected, but I'm happy to go with the flow on these sort of trips. Keep the schedule open, keep up with work, and then plan every month what I wish to do.
How do I better myself.... this is the one that always gets me.
While I always feel like I've improved in certain aspects, there will always be ones I lack. This is the one I'm told the most too, even through the year (I'll admit, I have a lot of faults). Again, it's through my brother, but we can't help it all.
Surprisingly, while I always overthink it, I always come to the same conclusion, for better or for worse.
My personality will reflect me. While I still have bad habits, it's about toning them down, not zoning them out.
Every year, I ponder this and I do feel I've become more well rounded. I'm becoming the person I wish to be, without feeling as if I need to restrain as much, faults and all.
I think a lot, daydream a lot more, and still try to function normally. I might be rude at times, might be negative, but I try to keep my views and personality balanced as the person I wish to become.
And I leave my thoughts there on New Years. I keep thinking back to them every so often, along with the words my brother says (this year, oddly about relationships and "finding the right one". Not gonna question it) and I just move forward with my life.
A final thought is towards this blog. How I'll keep this up.
The one singular goal I will place this year (apart from survive), is to see this become a place where my thoughts and feelings can reach out there in the world. I might mess up, write about stuff that won't interest people. Might get controversial. But they will be my own words, my own beliefs. I'll lose interest, I'll have mind blanks, even wish to leave this behind. But, for the sake of what I wish to do in life, I won't.
I mix up hobbies, dropping some and picking others back up. Some casual, others hardcore. All of them building me up. Like my friend Cameron and his channel, this isn't something I should give up on. A place where my voice can reach. Where I can improve how my words reach you, and how they are perceived.
So, until the day where my dream is no longer a reality, I will still be posting something on here every week, for better or for worse content wise.
A quote to leave you on:
"Yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, but today is a gift. That's why they call it the present."
-R (1/1/2021) (It wasn't Jumanji)
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